Umm...About this Year Though

The first year of my life as a teacher has come to a close. PRAISE GOD!!! Although I learned a ton this year and grew as an individual more than I ever could have imagined, the best word I can think of to describe this year is, HARD.

I have no doubt that it was, and still is, ordained by God that I am currently living and working in Memphis. I was accepted into Teach For America the Spring of my junior year of college, and therefore forwent the senior freak-out many of those around me were experiencing in trying to figure out what to do with their post-college lives. Leading up to graduation I had no worries about what this new phase of my life would hold. God had aligned everything perfectly and all I was doing was following the plan. I was excited to move to Memphis due to the high percentage of African-Americans living in the city (over 62 percent). I had never lived in a place where people who looked like me were in the majority and I wanted the experience of life in such a culture..and I got it. I could go off on a tangent here and discuss the 10 million and one things I have learned about my identity since moving to Memphis, but this is already going to be a long post, so I will do another post for that.

Regardless of how hard this year has been, I have clearly seen God's hand in, and his favor over, my life in EVERYTHING. I have been trying to write this blog post for over a month, and each time I start it, all I have been able to think about was how horrible I felt my year was for me. My classroom had no books, my school lacked a consistent internet connection, I had no laptops or textbooks, I was told not to use worksheets, there was no discipline policy, I was yelled at by a parent whose child threatened me, and asked, "Are you even old enough to be a teacher?" And...well, I could go on FOREVER with all of the negative things that happened this year, and to be honest, that's how I started off this post the last three times I have sat down to write it. However, after a week in the good old Field (that's Springfield for those who are confused), I am refreshed and renewed and finally have a proper perspective on what I have learned in the last year.

First, this past year I had a lessons in endurance and perseverance like none other. The bible calls Christians to "make every effort to add to your faith goodness, and to goodness knowledge; and to knowledge self control; and to self control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective, and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ." 2 Peter 1:5-8

Although I was too blinded and stressed to see it during the year, this is exactly what God has produced in my life. Prior to starting my stint as an in school educator, I had many things for which I lacked patience. For example, depression. I understood that depression was something people could not help, and when around depressed people I would try to be patient and understanding, but in my head I would be thinking something along the lines of, "get over it already and push forward. Guess what life sucks sometimes. Pony up cupcake." You see, I had never been depressed before. My life up until this year, had been pretty swell all things considered. I mean sure I had cancer, but that was more of an experience than a challenge in my eyes, as it was beyond clear that God was completely and totally in charge of that. However, this teaching thing, well, this involved me working with people, and people are a lot more challenging than going through a disease which focuses all attention on you.

Throughout the year I fought tooth and nail (ask to see my battle scars some time) to keep my head above water, and to, in my mind, "provide my kids with the education they deserve." And at times I was knocked down. There was one Saturday night in October when I excused myself from the movie my roommate and I were watching, went to my bathroom, sat on the floor and started hyperventilating. I was severely overwhelmed and could not stand the constant feeling of being on edge that was left by the constant fight or flight mode in which my stress left me. I thought I was at the end. I actually said to God, "Father, if it is your will, I would like to die now so I don't have to go back to my job on Monday. Or, if you can return right now and just end the world that would be really awesome too." A few days later I realized how selfish that was to ask God to end the world when so many people still do not know him, and I had to laugh at my momentary indiscretion. In all reality, I could not see how I was going to make it through the year. I thought the stress would kill me. I had lost about 7 pounds, I was not eating, I was not sleeping, and I was always going, going, going, trying to figure out how to not fail my kids. However, in the midst of all of this, on my bathroom floor, I could not give in to the crushing weight on my chest that demanded that I cry. As I begged God to help me, the tears would not come. I could not cry because for me, to cry in that moment when I was so clearly under the enemy's attack, would be to admit defeat. To allow myself to lose control in that way, in that moment, would be to say God, this is too big for you and I don't see how it can be overcome.

Now please do not read that and think I am saying as Christians we should never cry. I am DEFINITELY NOT saying that. But in that moment I needed to find rest and strength in the peace of Christ, and set aside my emotions which were indicating something very different from the Truth in which I needed to find my rest.

I did not know it at the time, but looking back, I believe I was very likely depressed during my initial 9 months in the classroom. I dreaded work each day, I avoided my co-workers, I was constantly exhausted, and I was NOT happy. Now I know being a Christian does not mean we will be happy, it means we will have joy and hope, which I fought to hold on to; but during this year, happiness was as elusive in my life as a cockroach in the dark (ask me about this experience sometime, it's a great story :) )

This year has been hard. I know I already said it, but I really want to drive home how HARD this year actually was for me... IT WAS HARD!!!!! But, through it I have learned to love unconditionally, I have learned to be quick to forgive- and not just saying I forgive someone and still harboring anger, but truly forgive. I have learned how to be patient beyond what seems humanly possible, I have learned what it truly means to die to self daily, and to consider others better than yourself. And I have gained empathy and love for those dealing with stressful situations that are beyond our control that lead to feelings of depression.

It wasn't until this moment while typing this that I realized the depth and breadth of areas God refined in me through this year. But now, in hindsight, it all makes sense. I was put through the furnace this year, but I am coming out refined; gold. I needed to be sent through the fire to be shaped into the woman Christ has called me to be, for his kingdom. Does this realization make the challenges I went through this year seem any better in my eyes; absolutely not and I never want to go through anything like what I went through this year EVER again. But in this moment, I can finally and honestly say I am beginning to work toward being thankful for what I have been privileged to struggle through.

I think this verse summarizes my year quite well; "Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say; "Now have come the salvation and the power of the kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Christ. For the accuser of our brothers who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down. They overcome him by the blood of the lamb and the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink form death. Therefore, rejoice, you heavens and you who dwell in them. But woe to the earth and the sea, because the devil has gone down to you! He is filled with fury because he knows his time is short." Revelation 12:11-12


God is victorious EVERY time. I boast in my weakness, and make it known, that I did not get through this year; God carried me and brought me through with his mercy, for the Glory of His name. "That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecution, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."- 2 Corinthians 12:10

I finally realize, this is what I needed to be made strong.

In His Hands

Below is a movie made by a friend chronicling my journey with cancer.

The War is WON

When I first started this Blog I started it because I felt that I needed a place to share information about what was going on in my life with all of the people who supported me spiritually and financially in my many endeavors out of the country. Today, this blog still has that same purpose, only now I also feel that it is important to share about my endeavors in the country as well.

My first year teaching is finished, and like in any war, I have stories of awful hard times when defeat almost seemed inevitable, and I have stories of times in which hope kept me alive and willing to battle on for another day. I hope to be back soon and post something with a lot more detail about my first year in the classroom. However, until then, I encourage you to check out the capstone project my students completed. This is not what teachers ever admit to, but I made the assignment up on the spot when my plans to give my students their final exam was suddenly changed by my administration and I found myself standing in front of my class with no lesson plan. Out of that moment in which the Father took the reigns of my class, came the Hip HOT History mixtape. Check out  the tracks, "Dog Fight," "A Trip through History," and the "Bonus Track."

Thank you so much for first teaching me.

Revelation 2:5

This post is not a formal as some of my others. It is a stream of consciousness I typed as I had an internal debate to which I was determined to get an answer, and by  the end of it I did. My audience changes a number of times throughout, I talk to readers, myself, and God. The post is real, and shows a different side of my growth and development as a Christian than what I usually write about—it shows struggle as a human trying to live how God has called his Children to do.

In a month and 2 days I will turn 23 years old. Every time someone asks me when my birthday is and how old I will be, I have a habit of shuddering and saying “OMG, I’m soo old. I can’t believe I’m turning 23 this year.” However, I am beginning to see a deep issue with taking such a view of growing older. Our culture sees aging as something to fear, we watch TV shows where people lie to make themselves seem younger, we see stars dressed to look like children, and we sing songs about being forever young and  living forever. It seems to me that our culture has a deep seated insecurity about what it means to grow older. But why? And how should we as Christians respond to this life process?

I think we fear age, for a number of reasons; one being the uncertainty that comes with getting older, another the loss of innocence and faith that often accompanies a longer time on this earth. Really those two ideas are one in the same. I’m watching it happen in my own life and I believe there is a correct Christ led response to this challenge. When reading one of my journal entries from March of 2014 I was struck by my request of God, “make me bold and fearless.” I went on to talk about how my freshmen and sophomore years of college I was  fearless in my witness for Christ. I wrote scriptures on the door to my dorm room, my freshmen year I shared the gospel with two people, I took advantage of every opportunity to make Christ known, unashamedly; and when I did not see an opportunity, I made one. I was on fire for Christ and I was not afraid. I didn’t care what others thought about me or the message I brought. I was not conscious about whether or not my message offended—it was Truth and I knew that Truth, no matter how uncomfortable, is what people need.

I am now 22 years old. I have graduated college and have watched God do amazing things in my life over the last 5 years. I’ve traveled the world, I’ve spoken in front of crowds, I’ve been awarded highest honors in a number of venues, and I have watched my boldness and fearlessness in sharing the word of God slowly shrink. Each year as I grow older, I stand to lose more for proclaiming Christ. As a freshmen in college I had nothing to lose;  few friends, no job, nothing else to find my security in but Christ, and therefore, I put it all on the line for Truth. As a senior in college I was an RA, I was told to make everybody on my floor feel welcomed and I took that as meaning I needed to avoid any controversy that would make others uncomfortable—including my faith. I decided to be tactful and polite in exposing my faith—and I think that’s how I treated it—as something to be exposed. I am beginning to realize that I censored myself.

I desire to be out. I refuse to be a closeted Christian which is what I feel I am, although I do not deny my faith when asked and I have little things all around that declare what I believe for those who care to look. But my bold, unapologetic, and unashamed, display of my faith is nowhere to be found. As an RA if residents came in my room they saw my prayer map and my bible verses, in my classroom I have a prayer calendar, but still I am not bold— I fail to take risks and share Truth when I see an opening.

What is it I fear? Is it ridicule by my colleagues? Fear that I will seem less intelligent for pointing to the unseen as the source of my strength and skill? Is it that I will lose my job and then struggle to supply my needs? Have I forgotten that God supplies the job and that God needs no job to supply my needs?  I am filling unfulfilled because I am failing to do what I was created to do. I bought into the pseudo-Christianity which says, “you don’t have to say anything to let Christ be known, others will see your light by the way that you live.” But what those who say such things fail to realize, is that there are many “good” people who seem to shine light, but unless you connect those who see the light to the source, they continue to grope in darkness, looking at what they see on the outside and trying to find fulfillment by mimicking the things you say and do, rather than the eternal fulfiller.

God, how I desire to go again to the place where I take risks for your kingdom. I remember being in a place where I never saw what I was doing as “taking a risk,” I was simply doing what I thought I was called to do as a child of God. I had an untainted childlike faith that really allowed me to be fearless. I was of the mindset, “what is there to fear? God’s plans are perfect and he is in control. Nothing matters more than him.” Now although I say that, and say it often, my actions demonstrate something very different. I do not act with fearlessness. I act with secrecy, talking around the subject, alluding to you, but failing or refusing to be blunt and forward—unapologetically. Now I worry whether people will feel I have a hidden agenda, I want to avoid being seen as attempting to proselytize- I have fallen into the trap of tolerance and avoidance of conflict and offence at all costs—even at the cost of the Truth. It is a trick of the enemy and it is a good one. We believe we are still doing the work to which we are called, when really all we are doing is fooling ourselves into believing we are living out our faith. What the world needs now, more than ever, as things all around us begin to fall apart and people are scared, hurting, and desperate for something to ground them, is unapologetic, potent, solid Truth. And it is only we, The Christ followers,  who can provide it.

Revelation 2:1-5

To the angel[a] of the church in Ephesus write:

These are the words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand and walks among the seven golden lampstands. 2 I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked people, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. 3 You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary.

4 Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first.5 Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstandfrom its place.