This post is not a formal as some of my others. It is a
stream of consciousness I typed as I had an internal debate to which I was determined
to get an answer, and by the end of it I
did. My audience changes a number of times throughout, I talk to readers,
myself, and God. The post is real, and shows a different side of my growth and
development as a Christian than what I usually write about—it shows struggle as
a human trying to live how God has called his Children to do.
In a month and 2 days I will turn 23 years old. Every time
someone asks me when my birthday is and how old I will be, I have a habit of
shuddering and saying “OMG, I’m soo old. I can’t believe I’m turning 23 this
year.” However, I am beginning to see a deep issue with taking such a view of
growing older. Our culture sees aging as something to fear, we watch TV shows
where people lie to make themselves seem younger, we see stars dressed to look
like children, and we sing songs about being forever young and living forever. It seems to me that our
culture has a deep seated insecurity about what it means to grow older. But
why? And how should we as Christians respond to this life process?
I think we fear age, for a number of reasons; one being the
uncertainty that comes with getting older, another the loss of innocence and
faith that often accompanies a longer time on this earth. Really those two
ideas are one in the same. I’m watching it happen in my own life and I believe
there is a correct Christ led response to this challenge. When reading one of
my journal entries from March of 2014 I was struck by my request of God, “make
me bold and fearless.” I went on to talk about how my freshmen and sophomore
years of college I was fearless in my witness
for Christ. I wrote scriptures on the door to my dorm room, my freshmen year I
shared the gospel with two people, I took advantage of every opportunity to make
Christ known, unashamedly; and when I did not see an opportunity, I made one. I
was on fire for Christ and I was not afraid. I didn’t care what others thought
about me or the message I brought. I was not conscious about whether or not my
message offended—it was Truth and I knew that Truth, no matter how
uncomfortable, is what people need.
I am now 22 years old. I have graduated college and have watched
God do amazing things in my life over the last 5 years. I’ve traveled the
world, I’ve spoken in front of crowds, I’ve been awarded highest honors in a
number of venues, and I have watched my boldness and fearlessness in sharing
the word of God slowly shrink. Each year as I grow older, I stand to lose more
for proclaiming Christ. As a freshmen in college I had nothing to lose; few friends, no job, nothing else to find my
security in but Christ, and therefore, I put it all on the line for Truth. As a
senior in college I was an RA, I was told to make everybody on my floor feel
welcomed and I took that as meaning I needed to avoid any controversy that would
make others uncomfortable—including my faith. I decided to be tactful and
polite in exposing my faith—and I think that’s how I treated it—as something to
be exposed. I am beginning to realize that I censored myself.
I desire to be out. I refuse to be a closeted Christian
which is what I feel I am, although I do not deny my faith when asked and I
have little things all around that declare what I believe for those who care to
look. But my bold, unapologetic, and unashamed, display of my faith is nowhere
to be found. As an RA if residents came in my room they saw my prayer map and
my bible verses, in my classroom I have a prayer calendar, but still I am not
bold— I fail to take risks and share Truth when I see an opening.
What is it I fear? Is it ridicule by my colleagues? Fear
that I will seem less intelligent for pointing to the unseen as the source of
my strength and skill? Is it that I will lose my job and then struggle to supply
my needs? Have I forgotten that God supplies the job and that God needs no job
to supply my needs? I am filling
unfulfilled because I am failing to do what I was created to do. I bought into
the pseudo-Christianity which says, “you don’t have to say anything to let
Christ be known, others will see your light by the way that you live.” But what
those who say such things fail to realize, is that there are many “good” people
who seem to shine light, but unless you connect those who see the light to the
source, they continue to grope in darkness, looking at what they see on the outside
and trying to find fulfillment by mimicking the things you say and do, rather
than the eternal fulfiller.
God, how I desire to go again to the place where I take
risks for your kingdom. I remember being in a place where I never saw what I
was doing as “taking a risk,” I was simply doing what I thought I was called to
do as a child of God. I had an untainted childlike faith that really allowed me
to be fearless. I was of the mindset, “what is there to fear? God’s plans are
perfect and he is in control. Nothing matters more than him.” Now although I
say that, and say it often, my actions demonstrate something very different. I
do not act with fearlessness. I act with secrecy, talking around the subject,
alluding to you, but failing or refusing to be blunt and forward—unapologetically.
Now I worry whether people will feel I have a hidden agenda, I want to avoid being
seen as attempting to proselytize- I have fallen into the trap of tolerance and
avoidance of conflict and offence at all costs—even at the cost of the Truth.
It is a trick of the enemy and it is a good one. We believe we are still doing
the work to which we are called, when really all we are doing is fooling
ourselves into believing we are living out our faith. What the world needs now,
more than ever, as things all around us begin to fall apart and people are
scared, hurting, and desperate for something to ground them, is unapologetic,
potent, solid Truth. And it is only we, The Christ followers, who can provide it.
Revelation 2:1-5
To the angel[a] of the church in Ephesus write:
These are the words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand and walks among the seven golden lampstands. 2 I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked people, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. 3 You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary.
4 Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first.5 Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstandfrom its place.
