Friday, June 26, 2015

Umm...About this Year Though

The first year of my life as a teacher has come to a close. PRAISE GOD!!! Although I learned a ton this year and grew as an individual more than I ever could have imagined, the best word I can think of to describe this year is, HARD.

I have no doubt that it was, and still is, ordained by God that I am currently living and working in Memphis. I was accepted into Teach For America the Spring of my junior year of college, and therefore forwent the senior freak-out many of those around me were experiencing in trying to figure out what to do with their post-college lives. Leading up to graduation I had no worries about what this new phase of my life would hold. God had aligned everything perfectly and all I was doing was following the plan. I was excited to move to Memphis due to the high percentage of African-Americans living in the city (over 62 percent). I had never lived in a place where people who looked like me were in the majority and I wanted the experience of life in such a culture..and I got it. I could go off on a tangent here and discuss the 10 million and one things I have learned about my identity since moving to Memphis, but this is already going to be a long post, so I will do another post for that.

Regardless of how hard this year has been, I have clearly seen God's hand in, and his favor over, my life in EVERYTHING. I have been trying to write this blog post for over a month, and each time I start it, all I have been able to think about was how horrible I felt my year was for me. My classroom had no books, my school lacked a consistent internet connection, I had no laptops or textbooks, I was told not to use worksheets, there was no discipline policy, I was yelled at by a parent whose child threatened me, and asked, "Are you even old enough to be a teacher?" And...well, I could go on FOREVER with all of the negative things that happened this year, and to be honest, that's how I started off this post the last three times I have sat down to write it. However, after a week in the good old Field (that's Springfield for those who are confused), I am refreshed and renewed and finally have a proper perspective on what I have learned in the last year.

First, this past year I had a lessons in endurance and perseverance like none other. The bible calls Christians to "make every effort to add to your faith goodness, and to goodness knowledge; and to knowledge self control; and to self control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective, and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ." 2 Peter 1:5-8

Although I was too blinded and stressed to see it during the year, this is exactly what God has produced in my life. Prior to starting my stint as an in school educator, I had many things for which I lacked patience. For example, depression. I understood that depression was something people could not help, and when around depressed people I would try to be patient and understanding, but in my head I would be thinking something along the lines of, "get over it already and push forward. Guess what life sucks sometimes. Pony up cupcake." You see, I had never been depressed before. My life up until this year, had been pretty swell all things considered. I mean sure I had cancer, but that was more of an experience than a challenge in my eyes, as it was beyond clear that God was completely and totally in charge of that. However, this teaching thing, well, this involved me working with people, and people are a lot more challenging than going through a disease which focuses all attention on you.

Throughout the year I fought tooth and nail (ask to see my battle scars some time) to keep my head above water, and to, in my mind, "provide my kids with the education they deserve." And at times I was knocked down. There was one Saturday night in October when I excused myself from the movie my roommate and I were watching, went to my bathroom, sat on the floor and started hyperventilating. I was severely overwhelmed and could not stand the constant feeling of being on edge that was left by the constant fight or flight mode in which my stress left me. I thought I was at the end. I actually said to God, "Father, if it is your will, I would like to die now so I don't have to go back to my job on Monday. Or, if you can return right now and just end the world that would be really awesome too." A few days later I realized how selfish that was to ask God to end the world when so many people still do not know him, and I had to laugh at my momentary indiscretion. In all reality, I could not see how I was going to make it through the year. I thought the stress would kill me. I had lost about 7 pounds, I was not eating, I was not sleeping, and I was always going, going, going, trying to figure out how to not fail my kids. However, in the midst of all of this, on my bathroom floor, I could not give in to the crushing weight on my chest that demanded that I cry. As I begged God to help me, the tears would not come. I could not cry because for me, to cry in that moment when I was so clearly under the enemy's attack, would be to admit defeat. To allow myself to lose control in that way, in that moment, would be to say God, this is too big for you and I don't see how it can be overcome.

Now please do not read that and think I am saying as Christians we should never cry. I am DEFINITELY NOT saying that. But in that moment I needed to find rest and strength in the peace of Christ, and set aside my emotions which were indicating something very different from the Truth in which I needed to find my rest.

I did not know it at the time, but looking back, I believe I was very likely depressed during my initial 9 months in the classroom. I dreaded work each day, I avoided my co-workers, I was constantly exhausted, and I was NOT happy. Now I know being a Christian does not mean we will be happy, it means we will have joy and hope, which I fought to hold on to; but during this year, happiness was as elusive in my life as a cockroach in the dark (ask me about this experience sometime, it's a great story :) )

This year has been hard. I know I already said it, but I really want to drive home how HARD this year actually was for me... IT WAS HARD!!!!! But, through it I have learned to love unconditionally, I have learned to be quick to forgive- and not just saying I forgive someone and still harboring anger, but truly forgive. I have learned how to be patient beyond what seems humanly possible, I have learned what it truly means to die to self daily, and to consider others better than yourself. And I have gained empathy and love for those dealing with stressful situations that are beyond our control that lead to feelings of depression.

It wasn't until this moment while typing this that I realized the depth and breadth of areas God refined in me through this year. But now, in hindsight, it all makes sense. I was put through the furnace this year, but I am coming out refined; gold. I needed to be sent through the fire to be shaped into the woman Christ has called me to be, for his kingdom. Does this realization make the challenges I went through this year seem any better in my eyes; absolutely not and I never want to go through anything like what I went through this year EVER again. But in this moment, I can finally and honestly say I am beginning to work toward being thankful for what I have been privileged to struggle through.

I think this verse summarizes my year quite well; "Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say; "Now have come the salvation and the power of the kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Christ. For the accuser of our brothers who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down. They overcome him by the blood of the lamb and the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink form death. Therefore, rejoice, you heavens and you who dwell in them. But woe to the earth and the sea, because the devil has gone down to you! He is filled with fury because he knows his time is short." Revelation 12:11-12


God is victorious EVERY time. I boast in my weakness, and make it known, that I did not get through this year; God carried me and brought me through with his mercy, for the Glory of His name. "That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecution, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."- 2 Corinthians 12:10

I finally realize, this is what I needed to be made strong.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

In His Hands

Below is a movie made by a friend chronicling my journey with cancer.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

The War is WON

When I first started this Blog I started it because I felt that I needed a place to share information about what was going on in my life with all of the people who supported me spiritually and financially in my many endeavors out of the country. Today, this blog still has that same purpose, only now I also feel that it is important to share about my endeavors in the country as well.

My first year teaching is finished, and like in any war, I have stories of awful hard times when defeat almost seemed inevitable, and I have stories of times in which hope kept me alive and willing to battle on for another day. I hope to be back soon and post something with a lot more detail about my first year in the classroom. However, until then, I encourage you to check out the capstone project my students completed. This is not what teachers ever admit to, but I made the assignment up on the spot when my plans to give my students their final exam was suddenly changed by my administration and I found myself standing in front of my class with no lesson plan. Out of that moment in which the Father took the reigns of my class, came the Hip HOT History mixtape. Check out  the tracks, "Dog Fight," "A Trip through History," and the "Bonus Track."

Thank you so much for first teaching me.